Taking The Eagles To Task.

Friday, July 28, 2006 | Jeff

The following column is being written as a result of three separate situations. First, the repeated claim by Philadelphia Eagles fans as to their team's "dominance of the NFC" over a four-year period. Second, the repeated columns on ESPN each and every season that make misguided claims about future offensive performance. Third, I hate everything about the Eagles with the possible exception of Andy Reid's weight.

Let's start with dominance. You want to look at conference dominance, then look no further than the brilliant Buffalo Bills over the early 90s. I know they never won a Super Bowl but in all those cases (sans the missed field goal) they were squaring off with just plain better football teams. They dominated their conference. Let's look at our dominant Eagles of the recent past.

2001. Philadelphia loses to St. Louis in the NFC Championship game 29-24. Okay, no worries. Good job, Philly.

2002. Tampa blows Philly off their own field 27-10. It happens, okay.

2003. Carolina manhandles Philly on their own field 14-3. Dominant, Philly, dominant.

Now before Philly fans start yelling, "Where were the Bears during those three years?" I'll tell you. The ownership and staff sat around playing with Lombardi Trophy, you cunt. Get one and then call Halas Hall. What these numbers clearly show is that Philly was nowhere near a dominant force in the conference over this period! They got their asses kicked in thieir own "ohhhh, it's so hostile in there" building back-to-back years. They didn't lose by late fieldgoals or fluke calls. They got bent over Pat's (or Geno's if you like an EVEN MORE overrated sandwich) and were reemed up the ass with physical football.

2004. They win the championship game, only getting there because of a disastrous once-in-a-lifetime meltdown by the Green Bay Packers defense earlier in the playoffs. They get to the Superbowl where they're only in the game because of a downright heroic (and historic) performance from Terrell Owens.

Then the problems start. Why? Because Andy Reid is a flat-out moron, that's why. This is Terrell Owens. A model citizen for you the year previous. He risks his career to play for you in the Super Bowl and makes you look like twice the coach you actually are. He asks for compensation, to be paid like the best receiver in the game...WHICH HE IS. You fuck with him. He fucks with you.

Now I have to read Len Pasquarelli columns that include mindless phrases like "Reggie Brown is ready to step up." My only hope is that big Lenny means step up a yard or two to prevent the consistently errent Donovan McNabb passes from hitting him in the shins. Let's end the myth right now!

Donovan McNabb will occassionally make a brilliant play, usually with his legs. On a play-by-play basis, he's a subpar NFL quarterback.

No team is going to win games with their four best offensive players outside McNabb being Todd Pinkston, Reggie Brown, L.J. Smith and Brian Westbrook. It's fucking arrogant for Reid to not have at least attempted to upgrade those positions significantly this offseason. BUT WAIT, JEFF! THEY'VE GOT THAT GREAT DEFENSE!

Oh do they? The defense that was in the bottom half of the NFC in points allowed a year ago (over 18) and bottom fourth in yards allowed. But good thing Corey Simon is gone, right? Did a great job against the run last year.

If the Philadelphia Eagles and their fans are content to rest on the laurels of the early aughts, so be it. Congrats, Philly, you were consistently second best in your conference for four years. As Jerry Seinfeld says, "You were the best loser. No one lost better than you." But to continue to force this mediocre level of talent onto the football and think you're going to compete in what is now clearly the best division in football, is just ridiculous.

It would be nice to see Len Pasquarelli write that. Or John Clayton. Or Christ Mortensen. Or Peter King. But they won't and you know why? Because all these guys like Andy Reid. All these guys like Donovan McNabb. And none of them like Terrell Owens. Let me ask you, something Peter King. If you suddenly became the most read columnist on the internet and Sports Illustrated told you they wouldn't pay you as much as Bill Simmons at ESPN, who has half the readers...would you look elsewhere, knowing the readers would follow and money would come? That's what T.O. had. Leverage. It's funny how columnists refer to this sport only as a business when it's beneficial to the organization but never when it comes to the player.

Didn't anybody find it starange that the only people who spoke out against T.O were his shitty quarterback and a retired guy who had a naked fight with him? If he was such a cancer, why didn't the defense say anything? Oh, that's right...because they were talented. They wanted to win. And they knew what we all know...

The Eagles offense sucks.

I mean...it did. I hear Reggie Brown's ready to step up.