The following is a special guest column from our friend paytonrules.
Rex Orton was born prematurely to parents who were quite stunned to have had him in the first place. Bob and Kathy Orton had decided never to have children, and in order to achieve that goal Kathy was on the pill, Bob wore two condoms, and he always pulled out before he was finished. The condoms broke, the pills were actually Smarties and Bob got stuck.
Bob and Kathy were terrified for their son’s safety, and raised him as cautiously as humanly possible. When Bob taught the young Rex to shave the first time he told him not to shave the neck area, since it was sensitive and prone to cuts. Rex lost an ear. Rex was kept most nights in a protective bubble that was hidden underground beneath 20 tons of cement and guarded by nuclear landmines. During his sleep he was castrated by vicious wolverines. Neuticles allowed him to live a normal life.
Rex had other problems, such as often finding himself drunk in a bar with floozies. He would take the girl, and when the moment would arrive he’d only “drive the point home� 55% of the time. The rest of the incidents often led to him screwing the wrong woman, sometimes women he didn’t even see in the room.
Eventually Rex met a girl, and fell in love. He got to one knee, and he proposed, holding out a beautiful diamond ring. The girl loved him and thrust out her finger, spooking Rex and causing him to run into the bushes 13 steps behind him then throw the ring as far as he could. It was never found.
After high school Rex had the opportunity to start with a brand new company called Google, but he went to war in Iraq instead. Rex was a natural leader, with great intangibles, and quickly rose to the rank of general. There he led his troops to victory after victory, against minute troop fortifications. He even defeated the great Iraqi General Favre when his opponent was distracted by alcohol and painkillers. For the first time in his sheltered life Rex Orton felt cocky, and he led his troops of 120 against the Iraqi Republican guard numbering thousands. They were all slaughtered. This is the sad story of Rex Orton.
#2 Pissed off said . . ."sometimes women he didn't even see in the room" is not only funny but completely mind-blowing.
December 7, 2006
#3 Pissed off said . . .ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
December 7, 2006
#4 Pissed off said . . .ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
December 7, 2006
#5 Truth said . . .ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
December 7, 2006
#6 Jerry said . . .This really had huge potential and a great start and fizzled down the end....where have I heard this before???
December 7, 2006
#7 jeff said . . .I do like the part about the ring 'causing him to run into the bushes 13 steps behind him then throw the ring as far as he could.'
December 7, 2006
#8 Pat said . . .wow. harsh criticism for the payton...didn't see that coming...but i love it
December 7, 2006
#9 Pizzzzzzzed off said . . .I like that there is a medical reason for the neckbeard. I always wondered about that. Well done.
December 7, 2006
#10 jeff said . . .So how about that Rams game coming up on Monday? Anyone want to blog about something significant like the Bears' offensive woes? I think the Bears should win but the curse of Monday night is killing us. It almost did us in when we went to Arizona but I hope that win killed the curse. It was a dog fight till the end but we pulled it out thanks to the defense. I read on CB.com today that the Bears all time road record on Monday night is 7-30something. I knew it was bad but I didnt know it was that bad. Thats horrible. Did we just suck all those years or is it really the curse. I think its the curse since we almost lost to a 2-10 Arizona team. For the reason of the curse alone, I think the game will be closer than people think. Who thought we'd barely squeak it out against Arizona, thanks to 3 D/ST TDs. I hope I'm wrong, I want a 41-0 win or something that brings me back to the games of earlier this year. Remember when when we used to beat teams by 30 on a regular basis, remember when we had a QB who was efficient, had a rating of 100 or better and threw more TDs than picks, Remember When.....
December 7, 2006
#11 paytonrules said . . .yes, blogging about offensive woes. what a way to bring em in!
December 7, 2006
#12 Midway Monster said . . .So apparently Pissed Off really didn't like it.
Whaddya want I was on my way on vacation :)
December 7, 2006
#13 jeff said . . .Ahhh, a very good break from the Blog same-ole-same-oles syndrome.
I heard that years later Rex often visited his mother is prison and became a functional drunk. As a functional drunk he would show up at work, seem to be okay, but never really perform as he ought to. Any truth to that?
--Midway--
December 7, 2006
#14 Midway Monster said . . .Well, those rumors are true. But many believe that Rex first fell in love with your run of the mill lager. But people started getting worried when he'd take way too many shots, often for no reason at all.
December 7, 2006
#15 jeff said . . .Ahhh I see Jeff. Thanks for clearing that one up.
One more rumor for ya: I heard he would often get mad as hell at the bartender and throw his shot galsses against the wall. Unfortunately, his % of hit walls to misses was not all that good.
--Midway--
December 7, 2006
#16 Jamie said . . .I know the bartender quite well. Douche bag, but a friend. Rex would often get his ID knocked down because he couldn't see over the bar.
December 7, 2006
#17 jeff said . . .retarded post.
December 7, 2006
#18 Midway Monster said . . .jesus, folks. it's a guest columnist. everyone's a critic, payton, everyone's a critic.
December 7, 2006
#19 Desmond Clark said . . .Folks, don't cha get it? It's a divergence to bit%ching.... Surfs up, catch the wave.
--Midway--
December 7, 2006
#20 Scott Bakula said . . .Remember when I used to be included in the offense when we were good? That was fun.
December 7, 2006
#21 Berry Happy said . . .I understand you guys are having some QB problems. I just want to go on the record as saying I'm available.
December 7, 2006
#22 Megan said . . ."Remember when I used to be included in the offense when we were good? That was fun."
That made me laugh out loud at work, and I now have a de-merit.
December 7, 2006
#23 jeff h said . . .I just now read this. LMAO, I thought it was funny.
Way to go PR!!I thought smarties were birthcontrol pills...?
December 8, 2006
Bring back Jim Mcmahon as a quarterback coach. No one is as capable of bringing the game down to a fundamental level and making it fun as was the "punky QB" and also Grossman not the only new QB struggling.
December 9, 2006
Here at DaBearsBlog, you are free to kill us or the Bears as you so wish. You are not free, however, to be an asshole. So if you spew racism or ill-meaning foul language (cursing about football is just fine) or anything of that ilk, your comments ain't gonna last long, jerk.