You have to hand it to the Chicago Sun-Times. They actually get a little bit worse every week. Woodward and Bernstein who? Those guys have nothing on Mr. Steve Patterson.
In a piece brilliantly titled Stay in jail not healthy for Tank, Patterson has discovered that a man over 300 pounds and serving a jail sentence actually ate unhealthy food while there. How many staffers were lost to dig up this information?
Steve Patterson, come on down! You're the next contestant on NO SHIT! But did you see what the man ate? 162 beef sticks!!! Sweet rolls and summer sausages and barbeque chips (OH MY!).
The man was in jail. I eat 162 beef sticks when I can't nail the ending of a first act. I eat 35 packs of barbeque chips every time Rex Grossman throws an interception (putting my total barbeque chip intake over 10 million for last year). I think it's very important for the Sun-Times to condemn a man's eating habits during the most difficult period of life he's ever going to face. I think it's also important for the Sun-Times to make these sorts of tidbits public knowledge...because we all DESERVE TO KNOW what Tank ate in jail.
The truth of the matter is that the Chicago Sun-Times - with Marrioti at the forefront - have led a charge to have Tank Johnson removed from this organization since day one. This article is an attempt by a shit rag of a newspaper to blight what was a sentence served with dignity and without incident. HoneybunGate (which already showed on ESPN's pointless NFL Live program last night) should be dead by the weekend. I wish I could same the same for this newspaper.
If you're bored and you want to let Mr. Patterson know what you think of his incisive and comprehensive reporting, feel free to email him at spatterson@suntimes.com.
#2 jeff said . . .Okay, so I'm assuming that it probably takes that kind of food intake to keep the weight on that frame. We need some sort of point of reference here. What fuels the Tank when he has a choice of foods? Can we please get a backlog of grocery bills from last offseason during this time to get an accurate analysis of the situation...I demand satisfaction.
Seriously, this is news? I think his beef stick consumption actually makes him more endearing to the fan base...I know I bought 162 beef sticks for the next 60 days to see if I can eat like Tank.
The nutritionist interviewed on Tank's sweet/salt binge said he was "grasping at straws". I think that may be the best definition of this "story".
May 31, 2007
#3 Pissed off said . . .i, for one, like him much more.
May 31, 2007
#4 Da Coach said . . .Just couldnt go without the Rex cheapshot huh Jeff? You need to come on board the Rex bandwagon, the grass is greener, the barbeque chips are barbequeier and rachel nichols is inside.
The sun times can be used for lining a bird cage or as fish wrap.....who said it has no use?
Beef sticks, mmmmm. I think I could go for one, or 162 of them. Who seriously kept count, is this in one day, one sitting or during the whole time he was in there?
May 31, 2007
#5 jeff said . . .Thats pretty impressive Tank at that rate he was downing just under 3 beef sticks a day. Seriously though the writers over at the Sun Times must be bored out of their minds to put a story like that out there.
May 31, 2007
#6 mikebdot said . . .PO'd...i'm anywhere rachel nichols woud like me to be. loves me a ginger. i'm ready to give my rex endorsement for 2007.
May 31, 2007
#7 Al in WI said . . .I wonder what the caloric value of said beef sticks actually is. Perhaps they could provide a dietary summary of calories/fat grams, etc. Or perhaps they did and since I didn't read the article I didn't see it. I'm not sure why I should care. The man is fat. Big deal. He probably should be in better shape. But the slammer doesn't have Weight Watchers meals as it turns out, so whatever.
May 31, 2007
#8 BRIANsong said . . .What does this mean for Paris Hilton?
May 31, 2007
#9 Pissed off said . . .I thought the only beef stick you could get in jail was from J-Bone on E Block. Ohhh!
May 31, 2007
#10 Midway Monster said . . .SNAP, good one Brian.
Glad to see Jeff is on board with his "Rex endorsement". You better not be kidding me now, I expect you to take the many ups with the very few downs this year. I cant wait for my first blog. This is going to be great
May 31, 2007
#11 Decatur Staleys #7 said . . .OK- Come Sunday at noon, we'll all have a Da Bears Blog beef stick eating contest. We start at noon. 1st one to eat 162 the fastest wins a 1 year subscription to the Chi-Times.
--Midway--
May 31, 2007
#12 Coxy said . . .I have to say for once that's a lil to much information.
does it mean if he misses a tackle the beef sticks were the cause?
For what everybody does on this blog the Chicago Sun-Times owe some people a check for keeping the fan base informed on real concerns about the team.
I haven't bought a Rex jersey yet,but I'm expecting better things.If not he can go onto the heap with all our other past QB's.May 31, 2007
#13 Al in WI said . . .I like the final line of the article..."Johnson's attorney and a Bears spokesman declined comment on his dietary habits while incarcerated"
Can you imagine that phone call. "Hello, this is the Chicago Sun Times calling about Tank Johnson"...
Johnson's attorney thinks to himself, "oh shit, who did he kill?"
CST: "We have a question about the 25 lunchables your client ate while in jail"
Attorney: "So he did not murder anybody?...no comment"
May 31, 2007
#14 jeff said . . .Speaking of Bears news; anybody notice that JA has signed 7 of our 9 draft picks? That's fantastic, and I can't remember when the last time that happened before July. Hopefully Olsen will get inked soon too!!
June 1, 2007
#15 Megan said . . .AL, keep your non-beef stick info to yourself. i've been very impressed with jerry. he's wiping the floor with the rest of the league's GMs
June 1, 2007
#16 Midway Monster said . . .Did anybody inspect TJ's bowel movements? I can't believe what passes for news.
June 1, 2007
#17 Midway Monster said . . .Man Law: no talking about TJ's BM's unless they alter his play.
--Midway--
June 1, 2007
#18 Pissed off said . . .The fine investigative reporter that I am, I looked into the nutritional value of beef sticks (see http://www.calorie-count.com/calories/item/19407.html).
Seems that if one were to eat 162 beef sticks you would generate ~26,300 calories. Now, assuming TJ needs 4,000 calories a day to sustain his mass, that's the equivalent of only 6 days. Huh... something must be wrong here.
BRING IN MORE BEEF STICKS ASAP!
--Midway--
(I have way to much time on my hands now that I am out of rehab huh?)June 1, 2007
#19 jeff said . . ."Snap into a slim-jim, OOOHHHYEEAAAHHH!"
June 1, 2007
#20 Midway Monster said . . .are these the slim jims we're talking about? if so, the article doesn't take into account the size of the beef stick? i'm assuming it's the short ones....which can't be more than 100 a pop
June 1, 2007
#21 mikebdot said . . .Well that's enough speculation! I am off to go buy 162 beef sticks and try this out for myself!
I'll report back!
--Midway Monster--
June 1, 2007
#22 Midway Monster said . . .Yeah, maybe at least Tank will get an endorsement deal from Slim Jim out of this. That would be poetic justice.
June 1, 2007
Mikebdot: Funny-- Gee can we get any more mileage out of this?
I can see the TV commercials now: "If you are like me and get exhausted from a hard day of Federal Agents busting into your home to confiscate murder weapons, then you also need a good pick me up. That's why I always have a Slim Jim in my hip pocket".
--Midway--
June 1, 2007
Here at DaBearsBlog, you are free to kill us or the Bears as you so wish. You are not free, however, to be an asshole. So if you spew racism or ill-meaning foul language (cursing about football is just fine) or anything of that ilk, your comments ain't gonna last long, jerk.