Hall of Fame Game: A Running Diary

| August 3rd, 2018

What follows will be a stream of consciousness blog, written in real time as I watch the Hall of Fame Game. There will be no editing after the fact and, honestly, very little done while I’m writing. This is not an interesting sporting event. This is not a remotely interesting sporting event. So I’m trying to make it more fun.

7:50 ET

I’m going over to the game after watching ten minutes of Chris Matthews on MSNBC. I always wondered who Matthews reminded me of and it just fucking hit me. He’s Paul Sorvino’s Lips Manlis from the Dick Tracy movie. They even drool the same way.

7:52 ET

How did this become my life? There are people in bars, having fun, laughing together, fucking in bathroom stalls. I’m sitting on a couch with two cats. My girlfriend is getting on a plane for Israel. And I’m thinking, “Be fun to get a look at Kylie Fitts in pads.”

7:58 ET

Just turned on Yankees v. Red Sox and Boston has a guy named Jackie Bradley Junior. Which sounds exactly like the name I’d give a character in my fake novel, Murder at Stax Records.

8:00 ET

“Are you ready for some footballllllllllllllll?”

No. Kickoff is apparently not for another ten minutes.

8:03 ET

Ray Lewis just did his obnoxious dance and started revving up absolutely no one. If only he were this enthusiastic when police asked him what he knew about a homicide.

8:15 ET

First drive over. At no point during that drive did I even consider writing something. Chase Daniel threw a pick at the end of the drive. Even he didn’t seem to mind.

8:17 ET

Al Michaels quotes John Madden saying the busts in the Hall of Fame talk to each other at night.

Cris Collinsworth says, “Maybe the greatest line ever”. Really? That’s the greatest line ever? Ever??

8:19 ET

Instant replay should be outlawed in the preseason.

8:23 ET

Helmet rule called by an intensely white-haired Walt Coleman. (He must have been dyeing that shit.) That penalty is going to kill some teams in big moments.

8:25 ET

Benny Cunningham is running like a guy…that will struggle to be active on Sundays.

8:26 ET

Michael Burton has been the early star for the Bears. It will be interesting to see if Nagy/Helfrich actually utilize the fullback much when they start game-planning. I doubt it.

8:38 ET

I don’t even have glib remarks for the commercials. They’re as boring as the game. But Mercedes has run about 37 ads in the first half hour.

8:39 ET

Brian Urlacher will never not look stupid with that fake hair of his.

(And Chase Daniel just threw another pick. Is this game over yet?)

8:42 ET

Okay. Isaiah Irving is somebody the Bears should now get off the field. He’s been in the backfield for the entire first quarter. Not saying he’s going to be a regular season producer. But saying I’d start moving him up a bit on the depth chart and giving him run opposite Leonard Floyd.

8:55 ET

If your name is spelled Bobby Beathard…you’re not called “Betherd”. You are “Beat. Hard.” Deal with it.

8:58 ET

Bennie Fowler can’t catch.

8:58 ET (Part II) 

Pat O’Donnell continues to fail pinning teams deep. Can we please see some competition?

8:59 ET

You wanna bet the creators of Manifest have no idea how it’s going to end?

9:06 ET

Kylie Fitts looks awful. Just a series of endless whiffs and undisciplined crashes inside.

9:11 ET

Randy Moss named his son Thaddeus. Thaddeus Moss. He’s either a comic book villain or the world’s most pretentious psychology professor. “Have you read Ego, Ergo by Thaddeus Moss?”

9:14 ET

I just missed an entire Bears offensive drive. No idea what happened. Based on Twitter, nothing.

9:16 ET

Someone named Josh Woodrum is playing quarterback for the Ravens. I’d google who that is but I’m eating Talenti double dark chocolate gelato and that is my priority.

9:20 ET

Marlon Brown just dropped a pass here in the second quarter. Digest that sentence. Who the fuck is Marlon Brown? And if he’s playing in the second quarter, who is playing the third? Marlon Wayans? Judge Joe Brown?

9:31 ET

Half is wrapping up. If you wanted to discern anything of note, here’s something: Jon Bullard played a lot of that first half. And he was beaten pretty soundly down-for-down.


This isn’t even fun to do. It’s excruciating. All I want to do is turn this crap off and watch Seinfeld reruns on Hulu. But I’ll be back for the third quarter. 

9:48 ET

Is there a more disingenuous human being than Ray Lewis with his god bullshit? You probably murdered a guy, Ray. Fuck off.

9:50 ET

“The only gift I got for you is the truth” -Ray Lewis. Just now. Did I mention I want Ray to fuck off? You actually pleaded guilty to obstruction of justice. You refused to tell the truth about the murder of a human being.

9:53 ET

Tony Dungy has no business being in the Hall of Fame.

9:55 ET

Answer to earlier question: Tanner Gentry has been relegated to the third quarter of this game. He’s the fifth option in the Hall of Fame game.

10:01 ET

Nick Orr just put his shoulder into the football to dislodge a pass. And then he was called for a personal foul. If you thought football was going to be easy to watch this season, you were wrong.

10:09 ET

Jerry Kramer’s bland storytelling is killing my Tyler Bray buzz.

10:10 ET

Why didn’t I drink during this game? The commentary could have been really silly by now but an early tee time on the dreaded Bethpage Black has me surfing the sober wave tonight. Instead I just keep hoping Al Michaels is going to announce there’s no fourth quarter in this game. Canceled.

10:15 ET

Camera cuts to two Bears fans in Urlacher jerseys. Why on earth would you buy a ticket and attend this game? This isn’t football. It’s a practice. But it’s a practice involving non-professional football players. Go to a bar. Watch on TV. Or even better…don’t watch at all.

10:17 ET

Collinsworth was in the middle of jerking off Lamar Jackson with vigor from the booth. Then Jackson threw a terrible pass that was picked off by a corner who’ll be selling used Nissans by Labor Day.

10:26 ET

Collinsworth just referred to Detroit as one of the three best teams in all of football. Did neither Michaels nor Dungy think that an appropriate time to ask, “Hey Cris, are you fucking drunk?”

10:28 ET


At the end of this play, both players lowered their helmets. Nothing called. So, the refs are in midseason form.

10:33 ET

Bears just had third-and-goal and Wims on the field. And they set up the perfect fade to Wims. Then Bray threw a ball into the eleventh row.

10:38 ET

“If you wanna know who a man is, observe how they behave when alone in a hotel room” -Original

(I got hungry again and am now eating Tostitos scoops and guac.)

10:55 ET

We just got a tornado warning. In Queens, NY. Nope, the climate is just fine.

11:02 ET

The Dog Industrial Complex tries to sell the world that cats are impersonal and stand-offish. Nothing can be further from the truth. I’ve watched this entire game with Bear the Cat lying at my side and Bea the Cat on my lap. Cats are amazing. If you’ve never had one, get one. But they are needy bastards.


  • Javon Wims became the story of the game for the Bears by night’s end. Against poor competition and with a third-string QB, he dominated. I’d be surprised if the Bears don’t move him well up the pecking order in the coming days.
  • The bigger story? The lowering of the helmet personal foul is going to be a nightmare for the league. The refs were lost. The broadcasters were confused. The coaches barely bothered complaining. If this isn’t cleaned up in the next month, “what is a catch” is going to have a new roommate.
  • Good: Michael Burton, Bilal Nichols, Isaiah Irving
  • Bad: Jon Bullard, Bennie Fowler, Chase Daniel

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