Because I wanted to have fun with it, here is what I would do throughout the first round of the NFL Draft if I ran every team. This is not a mock draft. I don’t know what any of these teams think about any player and I mostly don’t care.
1. Houston Texans
TRADE! The Texans deal the first pick to the Oakland Raiders for free ferry transportation to and from Alcatraz and a box of autographed Jose Canseco photographs.
1. OAKLAND RAIDERS select Jadeveon Clowney.
Why? Because I’ve been an unmitigated disaster as GM in Oakland and a gutsy move like this would at least enable me to put my stamp on the organization. If I come out of this draft with a potential All Pro DE and my chosen quarterback at the top of the second round, I’ll be smiling Monday morning and perhaps buy myself an additional year in charge to develop the young talents.
2. ST. LOUIS RAMS (from Washington Redskins) select Greg Robinson.
Why? Because I would think the Rams are close and I don’t think Johnny Manziel could survive four games against the Niners and Seahawks in his rookie campaign. Bradford might not be my guy long-term but I believe I can win with him if my offensive line matches the strength of my defensive line.
3. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS select Khalil Mack.
Why? Because I hired Gus Bradley to build the Seahawks defense in Jacksonville and I don’t believe in this theory that a flashy-named QB sells tickets. Winning sells tickets. We’re not winning anything this year. I’m giving my head coach the best toy available and seeing what he does with it.
4. Cleveland Browns
TRADE! The Browns deal the fourth pick to the Buffalo Bills for wings from the Anchor.
4. BUFFALO BILLS select Sammy Watkins.
Why? Because I have a solid group on defense and need playmakers. Watkins is the best playmaker in this draft and a perfect compliment to Robert Woods, who looked like a budding star a year ago in Buffalo. I’ve decided to build the fastest team in my division and take my chances.
5. HOUSTON TEXANS (from Oakland Raiders) select John Pigskin.
Why? Because it’s just the Texas thing to do and there are few coaches in the league better suited to Manziel’s molding and demeanor than Bill O’Brien. And because I’ve gotten a nice package for the first overall selection, the risk is mitigated.