Three Ways to Pass Time Today

| September 5th, 2019

Nobody wants to wish hours away. We only get so many over the course of a life. But today is the kind of day where an overwhelming majority of Bears fans would pay $20 to hit a button right now and make it 5 minutes before kickoff – just enough time to grab a beer and a quick piss. Sadly, that button doesn’t exist. It is one of many buttons I’d like to invent, including a button to get your home from long trips abroad in 30 seconds.

Here are some ways for you to pass the time between now and then.

Play Golf

It’s still warm out everywhere so even if you don’t enjoy the game, go and play golf. Why?

It’ll kill at a minimum four hours on the course. And figure an hour getting there and ready, hour getting home and showered, and you’ve got a solid six-hour kill. What else is killing six hours?

(Trick for new golfers: don’t keep score. Just swing the club and hit the shots and enjoy yourself. If you hit 2 or 3 good ones, it’ll make the experience worth it.)

Work Super Hard (Anticipating Tomorrow Off)

You’re probably reading this early in the morning, at your desk.

Your work email is right there but you don’t want to click the icon because you know once you do, the day will be a 700-foot shit tsunami and you’re the only one with a boat.

But what if you commit, right now, to taking tomorrow off. Think about it. Either the Bears will win and you’ll be unable to sleep until 3 AM or the Bears will lose and…you’ll be unable to sleep until 3 AM. You’ll be in no condition to work tomorrow. So double time it today.

Don’t procrastinate on anything. Make a solid to do list and check em off at a pace previously unforeseen in your cubicle. Something can wait until Monday? Do it today. Something you can pass off to Asshole Jim in Accounts Payable, do it yourself. This way when you call in tomorrow, you can tell the boss that you were prepared for the day missed and got way ahead on everything. You can turn not showing up to work into a positive.

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Week One: Packers at Bears Game Preview

| September 4th, 2019

The Game Poem

Walk with me,

into that dark, dark corridor called Hope.

Believe with me,

though believing is a slippery slope.

Join me on this journey

to a place we never dared go.

Dream what I dream,

’tis impossible to know.

Trite, Boring Thoughts on Football

  • Khalil Mack is going to get his pressure on Aaron Rodgers but it’s hard to believe the Packers will let one of the best defensive players in the game ruin the game. That means the Bears will have to generate pressure from elsewhere and they have plenty of options. Akeim Hicks and Roquan Smith up the gut. Leonard Floyd off the opposite edge. Buster Skrine from the slot. If Rodgers gets comfortable, he’ll dice up any defense. Chuck Pagano and the Bears can’t let that happen.
  • The expectation is this will be a vastly-improved Packers defense. Maybe, maybe not. But the Bears have an element of surprise in Week One they haven’t had in years. How are they going to use David Montgomery? How will the Packers cover Cordarrelle Patterson and Tarik Cohen, if they’re on the field at the same time? What will change for Mitch Trubisky in year two of the system? One would imagine Mike Pettine’s approach will be “stop the run and make Trubisky beat us”. But has any Andy Reid disciple operated his offense that way?
  • The last three Bears/Packers games at Soldier Field have been decided by one possession. (3 point loss, 7 point loss, 7 point win.) Both sides know this game is going to be close. The Bears lost a few stalwarts on their coverage units and have a question mark at kicker. If special teams determine the outcome Thursday night, the advantage swings to Green Bay.

The Three Best Opening Numbers in Musical History

There are many not making this list that will surprise people. “Tradition” is a masterful illustration of the Fiddler themes. “Fugue for Tinhorns” perfectly sets up Guys & Dolls stylistically. “Magic To Do” was a marvel in Bob Fosse’s original Pippin staging. But it’s my list. Fuck off.

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Audibles From the Long Snapper: Game Preview Addendum Edition!

| December 3rd, 2014


Thursday Night Will Test Bears Rush Defense

This space has mentioned often of late the Bears climb in the defensive rankings from 32nd in 2013 to 12th in 2014 against the run. It is the most significant improvement of this year’s team, owed to a much improved defensive line. Per the great Rick Gosselin of the Dallas Morning News:

…this December has a chance to be different because the Cowboys are equipped to play a game they haven’t known since the Super Bowl era.

When the weather turns in December — the cold blows in, the wind kicks up and moisture thickens the air — you need to run the football.

The Jimmy Johnson Cowboys ran the ball in December in carving a place in history as the NFL’s team of the 1990s. From 1992-95, when the Cowboys appeared in four NFC title games and won three Super Bowls, they ran the ball almost 52 percent of the time in the month of December.

The Jason Garrett Cowboys have run the ball only 41 percent of the time in the final month of the season in his four seasons.

Sure, the Cowboys had both the best running back and best offensive line in the NFL during their Super Bowl era. Emmitt Smith won three NFL rushing titles from 1992-95, and the Cowboys sent six different blockers to Pro Bowls.

And that’s why there is hope for December 2014. The Cowboys again have arguably the best running back and offensive line in the NFL.

Even though the Bears secondary has been a disgrace in 2014 I expect the Cowboys to put this game on Demarco Murray’s shoulders to avoid putting it on Tony Romo’s back. Can the Bears defense hold up? (I’m actually borderline interested in this result.)

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