Bears vs. Bengals Practice Game: A Running Diary

| August 10th, 2018

What follows will be a stream of consciousness blog, written in real time as I watch the the Bears and Bengals practice against each, in pads, with referees and paying fans. There will be no editing after the fact and, honestly, very little done while I’m writing. 

6:48 PM (All times presented in Eastern Standard)

One thing matters tonight: health. Here’s hoping every Bears starter that jogs onto the field, jogs off the field. The Bears starters could look terrific or look like total shit. Who cares? The season is still a full month away. Mitch Trubisky just met this entire receiving corps, with the exception of Kevin White. One would hope their chemistry would be drastically improved in September.

6:55 PM

I drink. A lot. But I also take off chunks of time, famously the first two months of every year. I haven’t had a drink in a week and it’s very funny to watch how my sweet tooth develops as a result. (There is so much damn sugar in booze.) Today I saw M&M peanuts at the grocery store and it was like the most beautiful girl in the world offered me a handy in the candy aisle. (Good name for a song – “Handy in the Candy”) I couldn’t resist. As I write this, I’m eating them like popcorn.

7:00 PM

I never knew Cincinnati was referred to “The Queen City”. Maybe in the second half I’ll google why. I’ve never been to Cincinnati. I can’t for the life of me think of a reason I would go to Cincinnati, unless Cincinnati Playhouse in the Park wanted to produce something of mine.

And the Bengals’ play-by-play guy just referred to the Bears as “the 0-1 Chicago Bears”. Do broadcasters really do that? They use win/loss record in the preseason to label the opponent?

7:07 PM

KICKOFF! Taquan Mizzell is back to return. So I see the Bears are very concerned with tonight’s game.

7:09 PM

Trubisky throws a bullet into the hands of Kevin White and he drops it. On the play, Trubisky got “roughed”. That’s what you want, your starting QB and the future of the franchise taking cheap shots from the league’s dirtiest team. In a practice game.

7:13 PM

Trubisky just took off on third down and I literally screamed “NO!”

7:15 PM

People seem to think I want them to hate the preseason too. I literally don’t care what anybody does for enjoyment, as long as its within the boundaries of the law. I watch Golf Channel 10 hours a day. I don’t expect other people to do that. I have multiple Fiddler on the Roof cast recordings in my car. I don’t care if you share my opinions. But that ain’t gonna stop me from sharing them.

7:21 PM

John Timu. Apparently got slower.

I have golf on my actual TV and they run commercials constantly for a local casino called Empire City. Here’s what I don’t get: why? The ad is just people walking out of the casino building with a pile of cash. They don’t advertise what’s special about their place. They just advertise that you can walk in without a lot of money and walk out with way more. Why does this require advertising? Everybody knows what a casino is. Just flash the address.

7:27 PM

Taquan draw on first down. Exciting shit.

7:28 PM

Taquan handoff on second down. Nothing like making sure you have a chance to watch the fourth best running back. Third and long for Trubisky. This will work out just fine when you’re not running your team’s actual plays.

7:33 PM

Kyle Fuller pick six. Yay.

7:35 PM

There’s no way in hell I’d have Eddie Goldman and Akiem Hicks still in this game. We know what they are. Why waste their legs here?

7:37 PM

ALERT. Marcus Cooper can’t cover A.J. Green. Or Al Green. Or anybody else, really. And Andy Dalton is padding his preseason stats by just throwing at nobody else.

7:43 PM

14-7 Bengals. Bears have looked awful at just about everything. Which is weird because I thought Taquan Mizzell was going to have a BIG season.

7:46 PM

All starters have exited. The Bengals broadcasters have not quite noticed. Anthony Munoz, by the way, is convinced every player on Cincinnati is great. You’d think this was the ’84 Niners.

7:47 PM

Too quick throws and nice catches by Adam Shaheen. And now I’d imagine he’ll be done for the night.

7:50 PM

Question. Why do so many people act like Donald Trump didn’t exist before he became President? Prior to his election he was known, by everyone in New York City, as a serial philandered, liar, and Russian money launderer. The joke in the city was there were never any lights on in Trump buildings because the Russians who owned the units had never been there. Yet after this moron country elects him, all of the shit we knew for years is suddenly forgotten?

7:52 PM

It’s against the second team but Shaheen is the best player on the field. Now…why is he still ON THE FUCKING FIELD?

7:55 PM

I think Marvin Lewis gained weight. Ah, who fucking knows. Maybe he didn’t. His gut is definitely bigger. And he’s wearing black.

7:58 PM

Nickname idea. “Taquan or Leave One”.

8:01 PM

Fed the cats. Grabbed some more M&Ms. Is this what my life would be like if Sarah didn’t exist? Would I spend evenings gorging on candy and watching sporting events I don’t want to watch? It’s quite possible.

8:03 PM

I’ve already stopped watching this game.

8:07 PM

Rickie Fowler has continued the trend in golf of golfers referring to their play with “we” instead of “I”. It’s insane. Jordan Spieth started it and it needs to end.

8:16 PM

How do we all feel about Nagy’s bald guy/visor look? I think I like it but the visor plays so much better with a nice, thick quaff of hair underneath. What say you?

8:28 PM

Halftime report. And it’s still a few minutes from halftime but who cares? Nobody looked great for the Bears tonight. But I will say this. Marcus Cooper, Kevin White and John Timu looked like players that don’t belong on the professional field. I’m going to writing a negative piece on White for Monday. I think it’s time to move on.

8:38 PM

I’ve debated not watching the second half three times. But what else am I gonna watch? It’s Thursday night and I have a 6:42 AM tee time tomorrow. I’m not gonna go out.  So I’ll see here and watch Bray do dumb shit for the next hour and fall asleep.

8:47 PM

People always ask me how much money I make off DBB and the answer would make them laugh if I told them. But what I always think is Adam Jahns, Rick Pearson, JQ. Three close friends I’ve gained specifically because of the work I’ve done on this site. Three people who’ve helped Chicago become my second home. Fuck money. It’s easy to throw money away. Those bastards are part of my life.

8:51 PM

SECOND HALF! C’mon, be honest. You’re excited.

8:57 PM

I missed everything that just happened. I actually forgot the game was on the iPad while I watched Live From the PGA Championship. Bears on offense!

9:00 PM

Tyler Bray just threw the most lifeless pass downfield I’ve ever seen. The corner had to come back five yards to pick it off. Unless there’s a 40 MPH wind in Cincy, it was enough to get that boy cut.

9:06 PM

I’ve been watching Judd Apatow’s Zen Diaries of Garry Shandling the last few days. It’s made me think deeply about what it means to be successful in life. I guess that means it’s a successful documentary. I’m going to write more about this topic soon. Probably not on DBB. But then again, why not? How much football can you actually read about?

9:15 PM

I’m done. Go check Data’s Twitter feed for serious analysis of this crap.

Tagged: , , , , ,