A Running Diary of Draft Day Three

| April 27th, 2020

12:06 PM ET

I have already opened my second Montauk Summer Ale in the war room. This does not bode well for the diary as a whole. These things are delicious, but they’re also 5.6% alcohol and I’m an Amstel Light/Guinness man. The Bears don’t have a fourth round pick so it’s probably going to be a while before I write something football relevant in this diary.

12:08 PM ET

Anybody else getting a shitload of emails from the Chicago Reader these days? Like every ten minutes. My entire inbox has become emails from the Reader and the DNC and I never read a word from either.

12:16 PM ET

Just saw a commercial for drug called Ilumya. The voiceover said “do not take Ilumya if you’re allergic to Ilumya”. And we wonder why the president thinks drinking Febreze cures pneumonia.

12:23 PM ET

Sarah’s nephew just walked into the war room and now the war room smells like Bob Marley’s tour bus. #SmokinDatReefer

12:34 PM ET

Third beer. Trouble arising. Like the half hour gap between beers but I feel it unsustainable.

12:38 PM ET

This Ben Bartch character apparently drank a disgusting smoothie every morning to gain 50 pounds in a year and move from tight end to tackle. (The fucking thing had peanut butter and Gatorade in it.) I have a fool proof method to gain 50 pounds. Drink a shitload of beer, eat a ton of Chinese food, and sit around. No smoothie needed. My brother Chris did this throughout his 20s and had to get lap band surgery in his 40s.

12:50 PM ET

Every commercial now:

“Our product always liked you. And now, in these uncertain times, we like you even more. So stay safe, stay home and Polly-O String Cheese will be there with you.”

12:53 PM ET

Chris Ballard takes Jacob Eason in Indy. What I was told about Eason: “he’s an incredible turd”. Teams absolutely despised him when they had their meetings. But that talent is worth the gamble on day three.

1:01 PM ET

ESPN finally reported the Eason pick and apparently Chris Ballard lives in an Applebee’s. (I am jealous.)

1:07 PM ET

Beer four. Pacing is terrific.

1:18 PM ET

I’m sitting here hoping Ryan Pace trades up and takes Jake Fromm. I believe in the kid. Always have. Think he’s going to be in NFL QB rooms for a long time.

I’m also sitting here putting off a piss for like 20 minutes because I don’t feel like standing up.

1:28 PM ET

Someone named Luke Bryan is singing a shitty country music song now, for some reason.

An actual lyric. “She was like ‘Come here boy, I wanna dance’. Before I said a word she was taking my hand.”

  • Dance and hand don’t rhyme.
  • Someone has to explain to these country music people that every single interaction they have with another human being is not worthy subject matter for a song.

1:44 PM ET

Trey Wingo just said “Minnesota is having a heck of a draft”. Every year. Same shit. Trey, you have zero idea if they’re having a heck of a draft. They could be having the worst draft in the history of their organization.

1:47 PM ET

Jaguars are on the clock for pick 140.

Jeff is onto beer five. I’ve actually extended my intervals. Proud day here.

2:02 PM ET

This is so unrelentingly boring I can’t keep my eyes open. I’m going for a walk outside. Back in ten.

2:12 PM ET

I just had a three-minute conversation with a rabbit about contact tracing.

2:17 PM ET

Adam Schefter just reported that people around the league don’t believe the Bears will pick up the fifth-year option for Trubisky at about $24 million. Does this need anonymous sources? Do NFL teams routinely give stinky players $24 million on purpose?

2:29 PM ET

In my heart, I believe the Bears will pick again in this draft.

2:31 PM ET


2:32 PM ET

Trevis Gipson, DE, Tulsa.

Perfect situation for the kid. He’ll get to study two of the best pass rushers in the sport and work into a rotation behind them.

2:42 PM ET

Sarah is now in the war room. It’s less of a war room now. More of a polite discussion room.

Oh, and that fat lunatic in North Korea died. I’m sure there’s another lunatic playing the lounge, ready for their chance in the big room.

2:48 PM ET

Bears didn’t give up pick 163. So we still have things to write about! The excitement is relentless!

2:54 PM ET

If I told you I knew who Kindle Vildor is, I’d be lying.

From my scout friend: “Tough/competitive/good athlete/good ball skills- great kid. Fits exactly like a bears NKL…same kind of player as skrine/shelley.”

3:06 PM ET

Jake Fromm finally goes off the board, to the Buffalo Bills. Hey Jake, do yourself a favor.

Go to Macy’s Place on Genesee Street. Get the lemon pepperoni wings and a cup and char pepperoni pie.

Take it over to Crabapples bar. Sit there. Enjoy.

3:12 PM ET

In the craziness of earlier, I forgot to announce the opening of another beer.

Six deep.

3:20 PM ET

Worst porn film I’ve seen.

“Cole Beasley in the Slot”

3:24 PM ET


3:26 PM ET

Darnell Mooney, WR, Tulane

Mooney is fast. Funny thing about this pick is that like three days ago I asked someone in the league about KJ Hamler. And their response was, “Don’t waste a pick on Hamler in the second when you can get a guy like Darnell Mooney in the fourth.” 

3:29 PM ET

The Bears don’t pick again until 226. That’s more than 50 picks from now. My guess is that’s 2-3 beers but the pace seems to be accelerating.

3:38 PM ET

Let’s look at the positions addressed by the Bears to this point:

Kmet – tight end

Johnson, Kindle – corner

Gipson – edge rusher

Mooney – speedy wideout

The odds of all five of these guys being impact players is very low but it’s clear to see these picks are being made to address needs and improve the roster specifically for 2020.

3:47 PM ET

Myron Rolle could run for president as an independent this November and I would campaign in all 50 states for him.

3:56 PM ET

One of these commentators just said a GM “loves getting guys that can bang inside”. I mean…

3:59 PM ET

Daniel Jeremiah just described Darnell Mooney as “twitched up”. Isn’t there a pill he can take for that?

4:22 PM ET

Campbell Scott. Marcia Gay Harden.


The Seventh Beer

A new film by Jeff Hughes

4:32 PM ET

“Huddle up for Covid-19 relief efforts” is the NFL’s thing.

Isn’t huddling up the OPPOSITE of what we’re all supposed to be doing?

Couldn’t they have used “spread” cleverly? I’d give an example but my mind has been pestled into mush by a strong combination of this dreary telecast and the Montauk Brewing Company.

They could have done a funny sketch about “stopping the spread” and just showed some old school coaches trying to kill Mike Leach.

4:37 PM ET

I’d pay something, maybe $15, for this draft to be over. Feel like spending more than that is being extravagant.

4:39 PM ET

Why am I not playing golf? Why am I watching this? What’s wrong with me?

(This note was brought to you by…EXISTENTIALISM!)

4:42 PM ET

Kicker Tyler Bass per Mel Kiper: “Accuracy is going to be something he’ll need to work on”. Well that seems important, Mel! Anybody can just kick the fucking thing!

4:48 PM ET

8th beer.

Quick transition there.

Too quick.

Bears still 16 picks from being back on the clock.

5:07 PM ET

One Republic is now performing.

I have never heard of them. Which is good because they stink. But who is this performance for?

The only people still watching the draft at this stage are NFL sickos. Diehards. Crazies. Also journalists. None of them want this.

5:36 PM ET

9th beer.

5:47 PM ET

Bears are on the clock! Back to back picks and then this damn day is over and I can drink in peace!

5:52 PM ET

Arlington Hambright.

Lachavious Simmons.

The Bears invented two people and then drafted them.

5:55 PM ET

The rabbit is back in the yard. He said not to trust medical data from the Chinese government.

He also doesn’t believe Arlington Hambright is a real person.

Addendum One

Hambright Highlights.

Addendum Two

Simmons highlights.