12:06 PM ET
I have already opened my second Montauk Summer Ale in the war room. This does not bode well for the diary as a whole. These things are delicious, but they’re also 5.6% alcohol and I’m an Amstel Light/Guinness man. The Bears don’t have a fourth round pick so it’s probably going to be a while before I write something football relevant in this diary.
12:08 PM ET
Anybody else getting a shitload of emails from the Chicago Reader these days? Like every ten minutes. My entire inbox has become emails from the Reader and the DNC and I never read a word from either.
12:16 PM ET
Just saw a commercial for drug called Ilumya. The voiceover said “do not take Ilumya if you’re allergic to Ilumya”. And we wonder why the president thinks drinking Febreze cures pneumonia.
12:23 PM ET
Sarah’s nephew just walked into the war room and now the war room smells like Bob Marley’s tour bus. #SmokinDatReefer
12:34 PM ET
Third beer. Trouble arising. Like the half hour gap between beers but I feel it unsustainable.
12:38 PM ET
This Ben Bartch character apparently drank a disgusting smoothie every morning to gain 50 pounds in a year and move from tight end to tackle. (The fucking thing had peanut butter and Gatorade in it.) I have a fool proof method to gain 50 pounds. Drink a shitload of beer, eat a ton of Chinese food, and sit around. No smoothie needed. My brother Chris did this throughout his 20s and had to get lap band surgery in his 40s.
12:50 PM ET
Every commercial now:
“Our product always liked you. And now, in these uncertain times, we like you even more. So stay safe, stay home and Polly-O String Cheese will be there with you.”
12:53 PM ET
Chris Ballard takes Jacob Eason in Indy. What I was told about Eason: “he’s an incredible turd”. Teams absolutely despised him when they had their meetings. But that talent is worth the gamble on day three.
1:01 PM ET
ESPN finally reported the Eason pick and apparently Chris Ballard lives in an Applebee’s. (I am jealous.)
1:07 PM ET
Beer four. Pacing is terrific.
1:18 PM ET
I’m sitting here hoping Ryan Pace trades up and takes Jake Fromm. I believe in the kid. Always have. Think he’s going to be in NFL QB rooms for a long time.
I’m also sitting here putting off a piss for like 20 minutes because I don’t feel like standing up.
1:28 PM ET
Someone named Luke Bryan is singing a shitty country music song now, for some reason.
An actual lyric. “She was like ‘Come here boy, I wanna dance’. Before I said a word she was taking my hand.”
- Dance and hand don’t rhyme.
- Someone has to explain to these country music people that every single interaction they have with another human being is not worthy subject matter for a song.