The following the first of many pieces in a new conversation series, Three Questions with a Bears Fan. There was no other choice to kick this off other than Reverend Dave. If you don’t know who he is, go back and listen to the dozens upon dozens of “sermons” and “Reverend’s Rants” he provided over the years. He’s a jerk. But he’s our jerk.
DBB: You are a Bears fan. You are also my friend. If you were offered the Bears winning the 2021 Super Bowl in exchange for my developing a non-terminal illness like scabies, would you make that deal?
Reverend Dave: You’re my friend, I would let you develop scabies in exchange for a few free Old Styles at the Goat. Scabies isn’t permanent. I would make that deal in a heartbeat. Hell, remember that moment of euphoria when Hester returned the opening kickoff in that Super Bowl? I would give you alopecia to relive that moment again, much less an actual Bears’ Super Bowl win that I’m old enough to remember.
(Later, an email.)
I just remembered! When I came back from Cameroon I had this nasty looking bug bite on my arm. My girlfriend at the time was convinced it was some terrible tropical disease and to show her it was nothing I rubbed it on her arm. Welp, I was wrong. It was ringworm. She was pissed.
Id say her getting ringworm was worth the laugh I still get from that story. So there is little non-lethal I wouldn’t subject you to for a Super Bowl win.
DBB: You have a child now. Did having a child make you like the Bears less? You know, because of “perspective”?
Reverend Dave: Nope. I don’t get the whole having a child changes your whole perspective on life thing. I love my daughter, she’s awesome, doesn’t mean I suddenly like cheap domestic beer or Bears football any less. There’s a much greater chance me liking my daughter less in the future. I mean, I can’t like the Bears less than the Jimmy Clausen game, but my daughter is just starting a lifetime of opportunities to do things to make me like her less.
[Editor’s Note: We attended the Jimmy Clausen game together and it was the single most miserable experience I can recall.]
DBB: Most weirdo whites go to Africa to convert them religiously. You’re a weirdo white who lived in Africa for years. Did you convert any Africans to Bears fans?
Reverend Dave: No. Africa largely found it mystifying. I did convert an Italian guy into being a Bears fan while living in Zanzibar. He was intrigued by American football but knew nothing about it at the start of the season. By the Giants game he was jumping up and down and screaming over the Cohen to Miller TD that tied the game as time expired. That poor bastard, he bought stock right before the bubble burst.
The team was a lot easier sell in 2018 than the other years I lived in Africa.