Week One Minute-By-Minute Report: 49ers at Bears

| September 11th, 2022

7:14 AM ET

It’s almost unbelievable to think it’s here, the 2022 football season. After so much bullshit, so much nonsense, we finally have real things to discuss. I’ll be back in five hours. (I’m going to need every minute of it to shake off the dozen Pilsner Urquells I drank last night at the Bohemian Beer Garden in Astoria, Queens.)

12:45 PM ET

The conditions look absolutely miserable at Soldier Field today. But the squeegee crew is working hard to at least get the standing water off the grass pitch. (This is a proper minute-by-minute report. We’re going to use the proper nomenclature.

12:52 PM ET

Hey, did you guys here that Queen Elizabeth died?

12:55 PM ET

Sean Payton just showed up on the Fox pregame show to make a prediction. He looks enormous. Clearly he hasn’t retired from New Orleans cuisine.

12:59 PM ET

I just saw Deebo Samuel on the sideline and thought, “Is his name actually Deebo?”

Turns out, it is not.

His name is Tyshun Raequan “Deebo” Samuel per Wikipedia. That’s a badass name.

1:02 PM ET

Pretty sure Jim Cornelison just put an extra syllable in “perilous” while doing the anthem.

1:06 PM ET

My cat Bea doesn’t get the play Bear gets on Twitter, but she has decided to watch this game on my lap, while staring directly at my face. I’m not sure if she’s trying to display affection or instill fear.


1:08 PM ET

The water is splashing up with every single step the players take. This is going to be a crazy slow game.

1:11 PM ET

Fields sacked on third down. Looked to me like he froze in the pocket. It is going to take way longer for receivers to run routes on this surface. He’s going to need to process things very quickly.

1:16 PM ET

Update: Kindle Vildor still shouldn’t be a starting cornerback in the NFL.


Bears will take over on offense again. I’ll be surprised if they don’t turn to some short stuff here.

1:18 PM ET

Great job by Fox to isolate the Jaylon Johnson “Peanut Punch”. Nothing makes me happier in the sport.

1:20 PM ET

Kyle Shanahan is challenging a four-yard gain on first down. Seems silly to me.

1:23 PM ET

The trick to watching the Bears sober on Sunday is really going overboard on Saturday night. I was downing glasses of Pilsner Urquell like they were water. They were not. They were Pilsner Urquell. My head confirmed this morning.

Shanahan wins challenge. Four yards gained. Congrats?

1:25 PM ET

Fields with a terrible throw over the middle, intercepted. There’s no way to like what you’re seeing from the young quarterback in this first quarter. He’s processing the game far too slowly.

1:28 PM ET

Brilliant play design from Kyle Shanahan, and Trey Lance airmails and easy touchdown to Tyler Kroft.

1:34 PM ET

Capital One’s “easiest decision” commercials just feel so desperate. The Geico folks own that whole genre. Just do something else. None of these commercials are remotely funny.

1:36 PM ET

Justin Fields takes ANOTHER cheap shot at the end of a run. Did Fields do something to offend the whole of the NFL? He takes one of these every single game.

1:38 PM ET

Man, the Niners are a well-coached team defensively. They are just so disciplined, and were clearly prepared for the screen game today.

1:41 PM ET

“It feels good to football” is one dumb slogan.

1:45 PM ET

If you were like me and were hoping for a more exciting brand of football this season, the first quarter was not a good sign.

1:48 PM ET

The over/under for this game has been shifted to 29 points. And I don’t it’ll get there.

1:51 PM ET

Run plays up the middle on third and nine?

1:59 PM ET

I have been wrestling with my fandom for some time now. Today is a real test. This game is boring to a degree I didn’t think possible. I have no interest in what’s happening on my television.

Tyshun Samuel just scored a touchdown.

2:03 PM ET

At some point, you must acknowledge your inability to run the football against a terrific front. Right?

2:11 PM ET

Even early in this game, it’s pretty obvious that Poles and Eberflus are going to have the Bears as a top defense in the next year or two. This is a difficult offense to play and they’re holding their own.

But I don’t even know what to write about the offense. It’s not even an offense at this point.

2:14 PM ET

Somehow the Bears are only down seven points with about four minutes remaining.

Points on this coming drive could be essential. But what the Bears can’t do is go three-and-out quickly and give the Niners an opportunity to score in and out of the half, essentially icing the game.

2:20 PM ET

Fields just threw a bubble screen into the ground. Why? Rushed mechanics. The athleticism is obvious, but the quarterback needs work.

2:22 PM ET

Two-minute warning.

Terrible football game.

And the Bears have a chance to win it.

2:28 PM ET

And we know you can’t wipe down a field with a towel in the NFL. This game deserved a penalty that stupid.

2:40 PM ET

First half update.

The Bears started to play some decent offense when the focus became Justin Fields’ running ability. While it’s not a long-term solution at quarterback, it is a short-term approach to yield positive results.

But they have to find a way to scheme open SOMEBODY outside. That half set football back nine decades.

2:47 PM ET

Oh good, more of this game.

2:50 PM ET

Pitch right to Jeff Wilson and Eddie Jackson comes up to make a nice hit. Small moment in this game but it’s good to see Jackson makes plays like that.

Next play: Jennings just runs by Kyler Gordon and if Lance throws a better pass, it’s a walk-in touchdown.

2:55 PM ET

10-0 Niners.

And folks, this is how a lot of games will look for the Bears against better opponents. Run the ball, control the clock, take shots when you can, rinse, repeat. If the Bears don’t offer SOMETHING offensively, teams will know 14-17 points is a winning number.

2:59 PM ET

This Armie Hammer fella seems like a real catch.

3:00 PM ET

I’m officially confused. Third and four and you’re running into the teeth of the Niners defense? Why? How does that benefit the overall project?

3:03 PM ET


Fields scrambles for his life and finds a wide-open Dante Pettis. Would have been easy for Fields to panic with a guy that open but he floated the ball to him beautifully. That’s the kind of play that can spark the entire unit.


3:12 PM ET

Bears get off the field again on defense. It’s really been a nice performance from the whole group, and they’re mustering a solid pass rush against a very good offensive line, especially at the tackles. Fans can be very optimistic on that side of the ball.

3:19 PM ET

End of quarter.

The broadcast team keeps saying the Niners are “dominating” the game. In what way, exactly? They have ten points. The way they play, they’re always going to pile up yards and time of possession. But they have ten points.

3:24 PM ET

Fields has taken a few shots outside today, but the Niner coverage has been exceptional. There’s not an inch of space on these go routes.

3:24 PM ET

“Equanimeous St. John” -Moose.

“Touchdown, me” -Equanimeous St. Brown.

14-10 Bears.

3:25 PM ET

Got ahead of myself! Cairo misses the PAT.

13-10 Bears.

3:30 PM ET

Trey Lance was outside the pocket, but that first down pass didn’t reach the line of scrimmage, which I believe is still the rule. And the pass didn’t look particularly close to traveling that far.

3:35 PM ET

The pressure is continuing for the Bears. Again, this is the biggest takeaway/positive from today.

3:38 PM ET

Eddie Jackson. Clap, clap CLAP CLAP CLAP.

3:39 PM ET

Justin Fields just took a knee instead of taking a hit.

I’m very proud.

3:43 PM ET

Khalil Herbert puts the Bears up ten points and it’s impossible not to recognize how the Bears have grown into this game. It was a terribly ugly first half, but the team is gathering momentum and confidence as things progress.

And Cairo Santos misses ANOTHER extra point! Apparently, Cairo is not good in these conditions.

19-10 Bears.

3:44 PM ET

Santos missed the lack XP right. Then he pulled the next one. If you play golf, you get it.

3:47 PM ET

I’m wrestling with my fandom no longer. I’ve VERY into this half.

3:51 PM ET

Lance just got a massive first down with his legs. But on the replay, the hole was there for him to run earlier, and it looked like a big gain if he had.

3:54 PM ET

This is Biblical rain.

3:55 PM ET

Lance misses outside and the Bears get the ball, up nine, and look headed for 1-0 on the season. Unbelievable turnaround in the second half.

3:58 PM ET

There are fucking pools of water on the field now.

4:05 PM ET




This is a team win, but the coaching staff deserves all the credit in the world. They came out of halftime with a brilliant plan, on both sides of the ball. They were clearly the better team over the last half hour. The arrows are pointing up.

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